Writer's Ramblings

The Nosey Bee

Written by  January 31, 2008

Be careful what you pray for. Ever heard that one before? Bet you have. I’m a pretty 'prayerful’ guy. Not a “churchy, religious” type at all, but I believe in a higher power and I guess you could say I am a spiritual man. I ask for a lot of help though, in fact, I’m probably a huge pain in the ass.

”Father, I’m runnin’ out of ideas for biker stories. Please help me Sir, I need inspiration, something to work with.”

Well, after a while nothing was coming to me, so I decided to take a cruise on my Harley. My bike is running like crap, the speedometer stopped working a while back, and the right front blinker doesn’t blink. But, I need to ride and I have to take her out. Maybe I’ll remember something from the past that I could use for a story.

Now I’m telling ya, my bike is really running bad. I put on these beautiful Porker Pipes, she ran great for a whole year but now I sound like a rolling fire fight. I added a little carburetor cleaner to the gas and it got worse. When I down shift, she sounds like a 50 caliber machine gun popping off. The pipes have turned gold. I know, how hard could it be to fix? Here’s the problem, whenever I say that, it ends up costing me twice as much to get it fixed than if I hadn’t screwed with it at all. In the interest of my blood pressure, and wallet, she’s going in to the dealer soon.

I decided to back her out of the garage and start her up outside. That way, I could share a bit of the sounds of downtown Baghdad with the citizen’s right here in our quiet, peaceful, little neighborhood. I backed her out and had the rear wheel right up against my beautiful Red Weigela bush which was in full bloom, along side the driveway. Aaaahhh, the beauty of its cascading display of small red trumpet shaped flowers in riotous bloom was inspirational. Oh how the little bees do also love the incredible Red Weigela. As I hit the start button, I couldn’t resist twisting around on the saddle to drink in more of the beauty behind me. After several pops, and a ka-pow or two, she fired up. She really doesn’t want to run at all when she’s cold. I’m feathering the throttle, having to rev her up to keep her going. She’s spitting, farting, and backfiring, making all kinds of bad noises. I turn again to notice that there really were an awful lot of bees on those beautiful flowers, angry looking bees, now zipping around. I know what bees look like when they get scared and upset. They fly around like these guys were flying around. I’d say these guys were 'flying pissed.’ They were obviously upset by what, to them, must have sounded and looked like an alien ship had landed and war had just broken out in their world. To make matters worse, apparently I had backed my Dyna with her big 2 ½” stove pipe exhausts blasting, right into some kind of spring bee festival and all in attendance had become very unhappy… this one guy in particular! I felt he was especially pissed because he flies right into my face and right up my nose. Uh oh, this was a very bad thing. It brings to mind one of those outer space war movies where the single warrior flies his fighter up the exhaust of the alien ship and blows up, sacrificing himself…. destroying the Aliens… Just great, that’s what’s happening to me, I’m the alien ship and there’s a bee up my f*cking nose ready to blow! They already killed my Harley and silenced her guns, now it’s my turn! I’ve been stung countless times in my life, but I couldn’t help but wonder if this would be the one that finishes me off…The fatal sting. Would my brain swell up and I become a vegetable? Will my nose grow to the size of a zucchini? Perhaps my airway will shut off and I’ll suffocate right there on my bathroom floor. Mugs, my blind, deaf, 17 year old Boston Terrier, will be living off the flesh of my cold dead corpse and drinking from the toilet for weeks before anyone finds me. These are the kinds of things that go through your mind when a bee flies up your nose.

Okay let’s pick it up from “OH SHIT THERE’S A F*CKING BEE UP MY F*CKING NOSE.” I immediately pulled my hand off the throttle, Dyna revved down, sputtered a few times, let out a large KA-POW followed by a final dying chug from the carburetor, and she fell silent. I jumped off the bike and ran into the garage, cursing loudly, snorting like a bull, while wildly slapping at my nose in a vane attempt to rid myself of this attacker. I was trying to avoid the inevitable, but of course it was much too late for that. Like a smart bomb, he had delivered the weapon right on target and now after the second of delay, the bomb is ready to go off. When that stinger went in and injected its agonizing venom into the tender, nerve rich, flesh within my nose, I felt like a firecracker had just blown up, a cigarette put out in my nose. Yes, that cringe you felt was very appropriate. Let’s see, how do I describe the exquisite pain of a bee stinging the inside of your nose? Hmmm, all I can say is imagine the feeling of a bee stinging you on the inside of your nose. If you’ve ever been stung by a bee, anywhere, that ought to do it.

I found myself dashing around the house madly searching for my Afterbite. Afterbite is basically ammonia inside a pen-like tube with an applicator tip. It neutralizes stings of all kinds. I needed to get it on that bite right away. My nose was throbbing and my eyes were watering like mad. I thought I could feel my brain beginning to swell. Finally, I found a tube in the bathroom, and for several minutes, held the tip up inside my nose right on the sting site. Still thinking the end could be near, I sat on the pot so that if I did croak Mugs would die of thirst long before he realized that I had now become dog food. Well anyway it was not to be, the Afterbite did its thing and the sting was completely neutralized.

I suffered no lasting ill affects. The visions of my nose looking like a large red turnip never came to pass. In fact, after about a half hour I felt no pain or swelling whatsoever. My death was obviously not forthcoming. Dyna is now being attended to at The Harley Dealer in Schenectady. The Nation is secure.

I really learned a lot from writing this story:

Careful what you pray for and whose world you shake up.
Sometimes when you pray for something,
God will shove a bee up your nose.
Be prepared for anything and keep the faith Baby.

“I thank you Sir for the inspiration for this story, You never fail me”

By Manfive Irish