The Jackass is in! - Remember when your teachers told you there was no such thing as a stupid question? They were wrong!
There are millions of stupid questions being asked every day, so if there's something on your pea-sized brain and you don't know who to turn to for advice, just ask the Jackass.
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Lance writes: Dear Jackass - Does Missouri Laws require a safty chain for 2 wheeled bikes towing a trailer? And why do people automatically assume that when someone says a 'motorcycle trailer' that they are referring to a trailer to place the motorcycle in or on? Doesn't anyone ever see Goldwings pulling trailers? Back to my question...I personally think it would be as stupid to chain a trailer to a 2 wheeled bike as it would to require seat belts. The last thing I want a trailer to do, if it separates from the ball, is to get pulled right back into the rear tire or jerk the rearend out to one side. Oh and yes...I have a fat ass that likes comfort, hence I ride a 02 Goldwing. Harleys suck. Crotch Rockets are Donor Cycles. I've been riding over 30 years and survived a couple accidents that I shouldn't have. I have withdrawel systoms in the spring if I don't have a bike in my garage. Bikes are a basic life requirement for me, like breathing. Now you have some ammunition to throw back at me. I would appreciate any knowledge or website to locate the answer about the safty chain. Thanks.
Jackass: OK Lance, since you decided to ask several questions, I will answer them one at a time in order. First off, could I recommend SPELL CHECK? I left your original letter intact so our readers could get an IQ fix on you.
1. Trailer chains are required by law in EVERY state. Laws should not be needed for this; it should be common sense. While you may not want the trailer hanging on chains behind you, you might want to consider what it could do to SOMEBODY ELSE if it hit them. Damn, you self-centered miscreant! You show great concern about your own safety, but none for anybody else. Do me a favor, never ride in my vicinity.
2. As far as the misunderstanding regarding trailers—I couldn’t tell you. My guess is that since it has become trendy to tow bikes everywhere, it is assumed that if you own a bike then you must also own a trailer. I prefer to ride my bike.
3. People probably don’t notice a Goldwing pulling a trailer because they are to busy laughing at the size of the lard-ass piloting it and figure the trailer is just full of Twinkies.
4. Harleys suck? Don’t know what to say to that personally. I have never ridden a Goldwing but from what I understand, they just don’t feel comfortable to a rider with testicles. Besides I really don’t want any of the DEPRECIATION from it to get on me.
5. Crotch Rockets: The fact that manufacturers don’t make a concave tank to accommodate your Twinkie-bloated belly so you too can ride one doesn’t make them bad.
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Shelly writes: Dear Jackass - I might have a stupid question but heck, a lot better than some of these other dumb asses on here. I have a 2005 Ridley Auto Glide I am winterizing and was told to get the tires off the ground, although a long time Harley rider friend says I just need to take 4-5 pounds of pressure out of the tires. What do you think?
Jackass: Shelly. The first thing you need to do is pour some gasoline around your feet to keep the ants from eating your candy-ass. Ridley? You gotta be kidding me? Hell those things won’t go fast enough to make flat spotted tires noticeable. Anyway to ease your concern I have a novel idea to keep your tires round, how about this…RIDE IT. That’s right believe it or not a motorcycle, even a size challenged one, can and will run in the cold. So why don’t you put on your big girl pants and RIDE IT. Don’t let anybody say the ole Jackass ain’t politically correct! Seriously though, unless the bike is gonna be sittin’ for six months or more, it will not be a problem. Just keep the battery tender on it and break it out when better weather gets here.
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J writes: Dear Jackass - Did the MO helmet laws change? We have seen folks cruising on the plaza without a helmet.
Jackass: Dear J. I wouldn't normally reply to someone whose name consists of only one letter, however, since the Missouri helmet law is near and dear to many of our reader's hearts, and since I got laid last night and am in a good mood, I'll reply to your question. In short (like your name and penis), the answer is NO, the Missouri Helmet laws did not change. The riders you seen on the plaza without helmets are probably stupid RUBS who don't even know there is a helmet law in Missouri. On January 18, 2005, the Senate Transportation Committee heard supporters of the helmet law repeal argue their case in Jefferson City, Missouri, however, as of the date of this publication, helmets are still required for all riders in the wonderful state of Missouri. If the repeal goes through (don't hold your breath), Missouri riders 21 and older will be able to ride skid lid and fancy free!
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Some Dick Head writes: Jackass - I am now stuck riding the old rat bike, a 1980 Honda CX500 with 81,000 miles, while my scoot is having its motor replaced at 15,000 miles due to bearing failure from a defective oil pump. Geez…does this little bike make me look as big of a dork as FatBoy? And does its little size make my butt look big?
Jackass: Dear Dick Head. You failed to include your chicken shit name in your chicken shit e-mail and you also failed to mention the make and model of your chicken shit bike that crapped out on you after only 15,000 miles. Even with the limited information you provided, I can tell you’re better off sticking with the rat bike; mainly because you sound like a rat yourself. Regarding the question if your little bike makes you look as big a dork as FatBoy, I would have to say yes. Fatboy may be a dork, but at least he has the balls to include his name in his e-mails. To answer the second part of your stupid question about if your bike’s size makes your butt look big, I would have to say yes. Have you ever seen a circus elephant sit on a tricycle and ride it around the ring? If not, look in a mirror the next time you ride your little bike and I think the answer to your idiotic questions will be obvious.
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Fatboy writes: Hey Jackass; would you rather hear a fat girl fart or a pretty girl sing?
Jackass: You again? What the hell kind of drugs are you on to come up with a stupid-ass question like that? OK...let me think about this for a minute. Would I rather hear your wife fart or a pretty girl sing? You know it would have been a better question if you would have asked, 'would you rather hear a pretty girl fart or a fat lady sing?' but since you somehow squeezed this idiotic question out of your pea-sized brain, I suppose I'll try to answer your stupid question as is.
First of all, I'd need to consider the situation. If the fat girl was sitting on your face when she farted, I might choose that option, however, if the pretty girl was giving me a hummer between every other note, I'd rather hear her sing than to see you go down on some fat ugly farting broad.
Why am I even trying to answer this stupid question? Go away, and come back when you have a real question!
The Jackass has spoken!
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Miles writes: Dear Mr. Jackass - What is the most 'DURABLE' off-road tire for rocky terrain?
Jackass: Before answering this question, you first need to tell me what the hell kind of name is 'Miles?' Is that the distance your parents tried to put between you and them after you were born, or is it the distance you need to ride back to where you left your f*cking brains when you came up with this stupid question? Or maybe it's how much your wife was ridden around the bedroom before you met her.
Ass-uming you are referring to motorcycle tires and not ATV tires (it pays to be specific when addressing the Jackass), I put together a quick comparison of some of the best off-road tires for desert and rocky terrain.
Michelin Desert - The Michelin Man, who probably looks a lot like you after sitting on your ass all winter, tells me this tire is built around Michelin's winning traditions with proven performance in a variety of dry, rocky, and loose terrain conditions. This tire has won many Baja 1000 races and is DOT Certified, which is probably why it costs $130. Personally, I'd rather peal the DOT sticker off the back of your helmet and stick it on your ass than pay $130 for a tire; but that's just me.
Dunlop D739 Desert AT - This tire is the top choice for many desert racers and trail riders alike, and works great in hard and rocky terrain, like between your ears. This tire is constructed of Anti-Flat 4 Ply construction and boasts numerous Vegas to Reno and Baja wins. Expect to shell out around $75 clams for this one.
Pirelli MT18 - Provides excellent durability and traction on intermediate to hard Viagra ridden terrain. This sucker has three layer High Modulus construction, which reduces weight like a vegetarian going down on Dr. Atkins, and provides a stronger carcass to reduce knob deformity, which I'm sure you suffer from as well. Some Heavy Duty sizes are available with stiffer sidewalls and anti flat properties. Whip out $65 George Washington's for this hard throbbing knob deformed piece of rubber.
Well, 'Miles,' I hope this was helpful, and if you'd like to get a closer look at these tires, I suggest you lay down naked in the middle of the desert during the next Baja race and tell me what you think of each one as it rolls over your fat ass, which is the closest your going to get to being a real desert racer anyway!
The Jackass has spoken!
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Jamey writes: Is there a place in the Kansas City area that rents motorcycle trailers (preferably fully enclosed trailers)?
Jackass: Dear Jamey. This is an excellent question, because I have found very few places in the KC area that rents motorcycle trailers. You can buy the hell out of them, but why would you want to buy something you can beg, borrow, steal or rent?
Before answering your question, I had to ask myself...now why would Jamey want to rent a trailer for her motorcycle? Is it because she is a 'garage queen' and prefers to haul her bike around rather than ride it, or does she simply need to transport it to the local bike shop because it won't run (which is the only legitimate reason I can see why anyone would ever put their bike in a trailer).
Being a Jackass, I have had my share of being hauled around in a trailer, and I can tell you one thing lady...it really sucks! Because motorcycles have feelings too, if you really love your motorcycle I suggest you forget the damn trailer and just get on your bike and ride!
However, assuming you have a good reason for needing a motorcycle trailer, here are a couple places that rent motorcycle trailers in the KC area, and thank you for asking the Jackass:
A-1 Rentals, Inc.
14891 E US Highway 40
Kansas City, Missouri 64136
Phone: 816-373-0234
Crossroad Motorcycle Trailers
9812 Kaw Drive
Edwardsville, KS 66111
Phone: 913-667-3344 or Cell: 913-710-3360
The Jackass has spoken!
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Fatboy writes: Will chaps without fringe make my butt look big?
Jackass: Dear Fatboy. This is a very good question and one that I'm sure many of our readers are concerned about as well. Since I've never actually seen your butt, I can't say for sure, but if I were a betting Jackass, I'd put all my money on a BIG FAT YES!
As a matter of fact, I'm guessing you'd probably have better luck trying to put a leather thong on a sumo wrestler than trying to squeeze your BIG FAT ASS into a pair of chaps...with or without fringe. If you have a camera with a wide-angle lens and would like to send me a photo of your ass I could try to be a little more specific, however, to spare our readers unnecessary grief and potential nightmares, let's just assume that you do in fact have a BIG FAT ASS and we'll work from there.
One thing Martha Stewart taught me in prison a while back, is that fringe, stripes, certain floral patterns, and even 4x8 sheets of plywood can give a somewhat slimming effect. You may want to try one of those nifty suggestions, and thank you for asking the Jackass!
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The Jackass wants to hear from you!
He is very wise and knows everything there is to know about everything, so send him your stupid or not-so-stupid questions and he'll share his words of wisdom with you and your fellow riders.
If you are easily offended, you are definitely in the wrong place! However, if you are a glutton for punishment and want to share your stupidity with the world, click the link below to send your questions, comments, or whatever, to the jackass!
Hee Haa!
